Depression: a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad illness!  I hate it. Why is it that you can be drugged to the gills, practically a zombie and still feel “down”?  And don’t even get me started on panic attacks #%~##*!  How do you live with it? You just do, and you keep hoping one day you’ll wake up and everything will magically be alright. You will be able to function normally, you’ll be able to sleep without drugs, you’ll want to go out and live life to the fullest. You won’t eat to feel comfort, you won’t sit on the couch mindlessly staring at a tv, you won’t lie in bed writing a blog no one reads.

For most of my adult life I have suffered from depression.  A few years back I tried to take a break from the anti-depressants, yeah that didn’t work! When I went back on meds after that time the doctor told me to not go off them again, that I need to take them the rest of my life. How depressing!

And it’s still kind of taboo to talk about. The negative perception of a mental illness comes from not understanding mental illness. I wish they had never labeled depression a mental illness. Mine is caused by a shortage of some chemical in my brain. It will always be there, and it will always require medicine to be so called “normal”. Of course, we couldn’t call it a chemical dependency, that wouldn’t work. We could call it brain compromised. Nope, there is that word brain there and compromised means lower than standard. If people hear that your brain is lower than standard in some way, that is perceived as not good.

How about just plain illness? I’m also a type 2 diabetic. No one averts their eyes or mumbles platitudes when I mention that illness. So far, I haven’t needed medication for that, but who knows in the future I might. So how is that any different than depression. Why can I talk about diabetes and not depression? They’re both illnesses and both are caused by a shortage of something your body is not making anymore.

I gotta say Alexander I’ll trade your no good day for my no good illness any day!

My story: What is my story? My story is resilience and survival. My story is abuse, poverty, pain, suffering, light at the end of the tunnel, happiness, extreme joy, complacency, divorce, heartache, and new beginnings. I write stories to release emotions created by all these things and to keep my sanity. Stories are the tidbits of my life. They are the day I escaped abuse to then be dragged kicking and screaming back in. They are two days where I experienced the most incredible joy I’ve ever experienced listening to the cries of two precious beings that I helped to create. They are the day I contemplated driving my car into a tree to escape the indifference of a supposed supporter. All these are the stories of a life that might have been by different degrees difficult, horrific, and joyous, but definitely worth experiencing. I heard a lady at a conference once say, “Find something to celebrate everyday, even if it is just a little something. Find it!” That is my new motto, I’m going to find something to celebrate each day even if it is little. Today’s celebration: starting this blog.

I have to fess up, I started a similar blog about 7 years ago. I never published it though. It was called The Pesky Flies of Life too, but I was writing what I thought would please people. I wasn’t writing from my heart or my soul. That will be the difference in this blog and that old one. I don’t intend to whitewash the truth. I will tell it like it is. If I write about it, then it is true (unless I tell you ahead of time). Some folks won’t like what I write, but I don’t care. Know that I don’t write to intentionally hurt anyone.

It is my blog to write, it is my crazy dreams and thoughts, it is my life, it is my feelings. It happened to me, not you. It is my truth, it is My Story.

It can happen in a second…a thought that buzzes in and out, then back in again…a crazy idea, seriously swat that puppy away…a tentative decision, I really don’t care if anyone reads it, I’m doing it! I had this crazy little idea a couple of nights ago. I am going to start blogging my thoughts, ideas, decisions, etc. If for no other reason than it will be helpful for me. It might help me with the pesky little flies of life that hang on.

It will give me something to do, it will help me get my thoughts and feelings out of my too busy brain, it might relieve some of the pain, loneliness, depression. It will most likely be semi-interesting at times, riveting on rare occasions, and definitely coma-inducing, boring most of the time. Enjoy or not!